swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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