defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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