Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
