I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
