there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sext me about skeletons
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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