two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
