Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
