it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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