My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
