So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
