Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Randomize
