oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
