nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
