you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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