Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize