when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
