omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
