Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I need to calm my uterus...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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