So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
