so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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