omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
