I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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