I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
