Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
