Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
