meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
