good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
