I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
