You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
