You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
