Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Less talking, more tequila
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
