Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
