how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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