I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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