You're so nebulous sometimes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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