this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Randomize
