Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
