I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
