If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hippo gnu deer
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
