my mouth tastes like poor choices
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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