What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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