I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This house was built for laser tag.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
