What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
