Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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