pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
