You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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