i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
