I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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