I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
