After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
