I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
