I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize