My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
