A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
