Just fell off a train. Bad.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just found puke in my bra..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
