Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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