HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
